Izaya's Foolproof Evil Plan
by Deep or Shallow
Summary: Sorta OOC Shizaya. Setting: Tokyo. Plot: Izaya gets a black eye no thanks to dear Shizu-chan. He conjures up a new method of torturing him – lovey-dovey sweet talk. Shizuo is thoroughly creeped out, but then he starts thinking about how nice it would be if Izaya meant those kind words. Please take it just as a long drabble, nothing serious.


Izaya's Foolproof Evil Plan

**A/N: Lame joke warning. :D Also, I do not own these characters nor do I own Durarara!, sadly. Do not mind the little (AN1) stuff, it's just me goofing around. XD Besides, you can see them at the end. :) Please enjoy!  
****But... please do not take it seriously, it was just for fun. I would die if you criticized it. ;n; It's just a drabble. A really long drabble. Don't take it seriously or you will be harmed. :D**

It was a nice day in Tokyo, not a cloud in the sky. The perfect day for looking out into the distance, over the skyscrapers and the bustle, beyond the horizon, at places too far away to see but you know they're there. Far away, but in that direction. Tokyo Tower was busy with life, but that is nothing unusual. One particular young man stood out from all the people looking up and far: he was looking down. Sitting precariously on the railing of a rooftop, Ikebukuro could have been spread out before him… if only he looked up. Looking closer at what occupies his interest so much that he doesn't seem to even blink, we see that the traffic has stopped and that people are avoiding a certain point, going around it in a nearly perfect circle. "Heh, you found me already?" He swings his legs back to safety and disappears. In a few minutes he's closer to ground – on a 5th story balcony. "Oye, Shizu-chan, I'm over he~re," he cupped his hands in front of his mouth to make sure the blonde man below would hear. Hearing that hateful voice, he snapped his head in the direction it came from and glared at the seemingly content informant. "Get down here so I can rip you apart, louse!" he yelled, but within seconds, the debt-collector raised his cellphone to his ear gingerly, completely ignoring Orihara Izaya and his dangling legs. Said man frowned. Shizu-chan had walked away, making sure to not react to Izaya's taunts.

He needed a new strategy. His monster seemed to have gotten used to the current _'poison'_, it had no effect anymore. Out of nowhere appeared a can of soda. And then it hit him. An idea and that can. (A/N1)He would do exactly the opposite of what he had been doing till now. He was dazed and slightly shocked, as Shizuo had never shot him down with such precision and, oh what a coincidence, this was the only time in the world he refused to look back. It was actually pretty amazing. You never knew what to expect from that guy. Thankfully, the brunette had high pain tolerance, so he didn't mind too much… yet.

The next day, Izaya was lounging in his office and not doing anything. His head was tilted back and a big ice-pack covered most of his face. Immediately after impact, the brunette hardly felt the dull pain and the way his whole cheek pulsed. Today, the left side of his face was swollen, mostly black and blue and more painful than he would ever admit. His assistant didn't have to ask to know who gave him such a wound. He got up with a groan. _'This is impossible, I'll have to visit Shinra for some help.'_ He put on his coat and pulled the hood over his head cautiously, so as not to touch the aching area. Even with the merciful shadow covering his face, the bruise was obvious. He put on a surgical mask and set out, deciding that he couldn't do much more. _'It's the only way about it. With my cheek and nose like that, it already sounds like I'm sick when I speak.'_

As Sod's Law is unavoidable, he just _had _to run into the mindless brute right now. He just avoided him, keeping his head down and muttering something about a bad cold, when the blonde hit home: "Huh? Could it be that the can hit you? Why didn't you say so in the first place, Izaya-kun?" his growl was too close for comfort and Izaya bounded off as if he were being chased by demons. Shizuo raised an eyebrow and smirked menacingly. _'Today is a good day for me! The louse looks vulnerable and fragile, it would be lucky to chase him away for good.'_

Izaya was perched on the edge of a hospital bed in a neat-looking apartment, squirming under Shinra's touch. "It burns! It burns! Forget I ever came here!" It wasn't that bad, but his fear of the underground doctor doing something that _would_ hurt made him say that. (Friend or not, he was a doctor. 'Doctors are not to be trusted unless you're dying' was the lithe brunette's approach.) Shinra merely nodded at Celty to hold him steady and continued examining the enflamed cheek. "The ice helped a lot, you can't imagine how bad it would have been if you left it completely alone. I'm going to be optimistic and say your cheekbone isn't cracked." He finished treating the unwilling patient by putting a large bandage over his cheek and placing a fresh pack of ice on it. Every doctor knows that band-aids make the person feel better and besides, as he told Izaya, it would be complicated further if he got frostbite on his face. As soon as the comforting ice touched his aching skin, there was a series of loud bangs on the door. "Hey, Shinra! Open up!" Although hesitant, Shinra took a few steps towards the door till Shizuo continued: "Izaya's in there, right? Let me in, I wanna finish him off!" Izaya glared at Shinra just in case, but he had retreated by now and was rolling his eyes. "No way Shizuo, wouldn't want a fight in here! Moreover, I'm glad he got here in one piece." Izaya's tensed muscles were itching to run and hide, but there was no other exit. He remembered his new venom and surprised everyone with it.

"Yo, Shizu-chan! It's so sweet of you to have followed me here! You must have been worried! Shinra, be a dear and let my darling inside~!" The way he said it was so convincing and dripping with the sugary affection of a teenage girl that everything came to a standstill for what seemed like ages. Shinra turned his head to face the information broker, his mouth agape. Izaya smirked at him and winked, the underground doctor blinked a few times in realization, shook his head with a smile and they waited for Shizuo's reply. For over a minute, there was silence. Then, footsteps echoed as the Beast of Ikebukuro left in silence, too stunned for words. It was clearly Izaya's voice, but those words were too OOC even for Erika to perceive as humanly possible. This was way different from his normal weapons. Shinra grinned and Celty put her hands on her hips and seemed amused as well. Izaya's new tactic was perfect. No damage done and he could leave, confident that there would be no men in bartender suits in sight or earshot.

He cooped himself up at home for two days, doing the part of his job that didn't require his presence. When he did go out two days later, his face looked and felt much better. The swelling had gone down and all that was left was the now yellow-green bruise framed with red. He wasn't very angry with Shizuo, but that ass did enough damage to keep him lying low for a little while. He had a (now rather symbolic) band-aid on the cheek, black sweat pants and a dark red hoodie, ready for a jog. He needed it badly, staying at home was getting on his nerves. His route didn't go to Ikebukuro, he stayed in Shinjuku the whole way. The late morning air was crisp and his mood was improving, when suddenly the last person he wanted to see emerged from behind a corner in front of him. The bodyguard said "Something stinks" and became alert exactly 38 seconds before he caught sight of the fox. He stopped walking and looked him up and down suspiciously. He noticed that his face still bore signs of their conflict and he winced inwardly, imagining not how painful it must have been, but how angry his foe was now because of this. It took Izaya some guts to swallow his pride and hurt ego, but he slowed down to a stop and said cheerfully: "Waaah, my Shizu-chan has come to visit! You should have told me beforehand, I would have worn something nice!" While saying these lovey-dovey things to Heiwajima Shizuo, he moved closer and slithered his hands around the blonde's waist in a hug. Said man immediately pushed Izaya away, a thoroughly disturbed but blushing expression adorning his features. "You fucking louse. Do you have a fever? Get away from me!" He was angry, but also scared. He had expected all hell to unfold when they met, Izaya liked his face too much to let this go easily. The brunette finally made him feel that uncertainty that Shizuo had caused for him for years. Bingo. Now to finish him… "Haha, what are you doing, silly? You look so cute when you're blushing~!" and he made a few steps forward, motioning to hug him again. It worked like a charm. Shizuo's eye twitched once, twice, he took a few steps back and started walking away briskly. After Izaya relentlessly shouted a few more embarrassing things after him, he broke into run and was out of there as fast as he could.

Izaya was as happy as a clam now, starting to run again at a comfortably slow pace. He was cautious with these feelings though, good things never last. The bodyguard will suspect such a thing next time. _'But that will only make our game more interesting~'_ he thought as he reached his apartment. "Heiwajima Shizuo, the true battle has begun."

Their next encounter was in 2 days, which would seem unusually long if we didn't know Shizuo was avoiding the sneaky raven. The crowd parted, acting on instinct of self-preservation when a clear aura of antipathy loomed over them like fog. The two men sent death threats to each other with their eyes for nearly a minute before finally speaking. "Shizu-chan~! It's so nice to see you again! I wonder why you left so quickly last time. It really hurt my feelings, you know_!" 'That flea has no feelings, pshh. It was a scary surprise last time, but now I am prepared for your little games.'_ He gritted his teeth. "Long time no see, Izaya-kun. I had to go real quick 'cause I realized that I didn't have a present. What kind of guest would I be if I came empty-handed? But it's okay since we meet now, right?" he barked out menacingly. On paper, his words may have resembled some sort of friendliness, but his indignant tone revealed that this was mock affection, a parody of Izaya's flawless act. The atmosphere was no less frightening than when public property was being thrown around. "Of course it's fine, did you think I could be angry at my darling?" he revealed his flick-blade, the cold steel ready for action in contrast with his loving words. Shizuo had no answer for this, so he moved forward and raised his leg to kick his foe to the ground. Izaya expected the blonde to be lacking in the department of sweet-talk, so (for once) he wasn't surprised at the attack and dodged without batting an eye. "Oh my, is this how you treat your most treasured person?" he feigned sorrow and cut the blonde's shirt in a few places before retreating. He could see he had 'pushed a button' since Shizuo was shaking with rage and a maniacal grin appeared on his face. "You just can't help yourself, can you? IZAYAAA-KUUN!" he roared while ripping a lamp out of the concrete. Izaya may have been a madman, but not a fool. As soon as he saw the ex-bartender grip the lamppost, he set off down the street. This makeshift spear whizzed past him in a few short seconds and he slowed down to avoid the mess the spear vs. ground collision made. He jumped over a trash can it knocked down and Shizuo's booming voice sounded close by: "Get back here, Izaya!" To this he sped up and only looked back once he entered a small boutique and put on a pair of sunglasses. He tried on another pair and froze, because the angry beast was jogging past, keeping his eyes peeled for any tell-tale signs of his presence.

These confusing exchanges of kind words and atrocious actions continued for almost a month, much to Izaya's delight. He loved uncovering the protozoan's inability to say caring, gentle words. Little did he know that Shizuo tried to get better and prepare. It was a shameful pattern of staring into the mirror and trying to reproduce the things the flea had said or making up his own. While brushing his teeth, straightening his tie, almost every morning he tried. In case he might have the bad luck of meeting the scoundrel, you never know. His efforts had no results, other than making him stammer, blush and get angry. Izaya was getting inside his head and it was unnerving. One time, he even caught himself thinking what it would be like if the raven actually meant what he said. It gave him stomach butterflies and this, in turn, resulted in an intense outburst of violence. To this day, vending machines whisper about the frightening event.

Meanwhile in Shinjuku, Izaya was somewhat vexed. He had considerable talent in the area of flattery and make-believe romance, which was great when he needed to gain something from women. But why should he waste his natural charm on a dumb brute? It was downright infuriating. It was getting late and he was walking home. There was a series of steps that lead to a half-open hallway. On one side, there were doors to his neighbors' apartments, on the other just railing and a nice view of high-rise buildings and a park at night. It was because his building was the last in a row of nearly identical ones that there wasn't a claustrophobically close wall right next to the railing. He was lucky to have such a view and he spent a few minutes enjoying it in silence, mulling over the day's events. Finally, he sighed, made a few steps down the corridor and unlocked the door to his flat. He ate dinner, had a quick shower and was sleepily watching TV only in his bathrobe when he heard heavy steps. _'A neighbor must be going home drunk,'_ he thought and ignored it. He nearly jumped when the door rattled and shook. He held his breath as it gave away to none other than the frightening blonde. "IZAAAAYA-KUUN." He yelled and marched in without a hint of respect. This abrupt entrance turned on him when he saw a confused and flabbergasted Orihara Izaya sitting on a couch, illuminated by the bluish light of a television set, only in a black bathrobe. He had followed the brunette there and it took all of his willpower to not just run up and strangle him a few times, and now this?! It was getting really weird, their relationship – is what he wanted to say… and then beat him up or something But his face turned red all the way to his ears and he just stood there, gaping. This was certainly unexpected and it threw him off guard.

Izaya caught on and regained his composure the moment he saw Shizuo stop and stare and sat up, one leg over the other. "Oh, hello, Shizu-chan. Did you miss me so much today that you came to see me? Whatever it is you need to yell at me, I'm sure it can wait till tomorrow," he said, examining his nails and showing complete lack of interest. He tightened the bathrobe uneasily, he really wasn't in a friendly mood. Shizuo's eyes traveled from his pale ankles, up smooth, sinfully exposed thighs and oh! He mentally slapped himself. But damn, Izaya was hot. He smiled to himself, knowing exactly what to say suddenly. If Izaya was discomforted by the sudden, confident smile, he would hate what was going to happen next. "How'd you guess? Of course I'd miss my cute Izaya." Pushing this past his lips, it was still too much for him to call him Iza-chan or anything on the same level of embarrassment. Thankfully, he didn't have to. The sleepy brunette's eyebrows shot up and he narrowed his eyes. He began compiling a list of convenientweapons and strategies in an enclosed space like this as Shizuo approached. _'What is he thinking? Is he drunk? How did he find out where I live?'_ These thoughts and many more galloped through the informant's mind like spooked horses, he was very much awake now. Shizuo, as he stepped closer to the brunette, had forgotten of his preceding feelings and had a single goal: to caress that creamy skin. Izaya saw no malice in his eyes and put his escape plan on hold, he was curious as to what Shizuo had in mind. The man was full of surprises and, after all, the informant was a person who loved seeing new expressions and sides to humans, including this one (something he would never admit under any conditions). (A/N2)

Heiwajima Shizuo was physically closer to the raven than he had ever been. Said man was watching him, his eyes distrusting but curious. His left leg was still crossed over his right, and the debt collector knelt down in one swift movement. The informant's expression changed to an indignant, don't-fuck-with-me look, but before Izaya could open his mouth and ask what the hell he was doing, the blonde had gently captured his left knee in his warm hands. Izaya's mouth fell open. He softly pulled it off the right leg and closer to himself, his eyes gazing into now shocked crimson orbs. He inhaled sharply upon the skin-to-skin contact and was blushing. Shizuo, his mocha eyes hypnotizing ruby ones, grazed his lips on the knee he held and moved his hands higher up the delectable thigh. Suddenly, the spell was broken – Izaya's eyes widened for the second time tonight and next thing he knew, Shizuo had the dainty left foot in his face, kicking him back and away. "Just what do you think you're doing? Get out!" Izaya's face was flushed the darkest shade of red possible, his eyes flashed angrily and he was holding the bathrobe closed tight so that just a bit of his lower calves and feet were showing. Shizuo got up, muttered a "Sorry" while staring at the carpet and left quickly.

The lock was clearly broken, but Izaya got up to try if the door could at least be closed. He managed to close it, but the damage was clearly visible. In case someone would want to make use of this and rob him, he pushed the couch in front of the door, thus making his apartment inaccessible from outside. By now, it was almost 11pm. Izaya was in a foul mood, so he threw caution to the wind and went to bed, locking his bedroom door. He got in the bed and lay there, willing himself to fall asleep. He hated Shizuo for doing something completely unexpected again, for doing _that_ to him. But he hated himself for reacting to the blonde's touch. For a few seconds, which was more than he could afford, he was completely taken in and was enjoying his caresses, his hungry, dominating gaze. Thankfully, he fell asleep in less than 5 minutes.

His alarm clock rang. He groaned and rolled over to silence the device. This morning, even its shrill cry didn't manage to scare the daylights into him. Still rolled up in his blanket and laying on his stomach, he picked up his phone and called Namie. He mumbled things like "I'm not going to work today," "do something on your own," "I don't know! Drink some tea, check that everything's in order…" and with an exasperated sigh, "Okay, okay, I might show up in the afternoon. No promises." He had enough sleep, he wasn't feeling ill or tired, but he bore a grudge. As a result, Orihara Izaya was super grouchy and refused to get out of bed. He dropped the phone back on his nightstand and rolled back on his pillow. When he opened his eyes again, it was 11:25am. After a few minutes of yawning and stretching, he finally got up to have breakfast and brush his teeth. He used to love wearing his bathrobe around the house, but now it was hanging in his closet, not to be touched.

After his morning routine was over, it was a bit past noon. He didn't want to go to work and refused to as much as look at his cellphone, he turned off the sound and left it on the nightstand. He had to call a locksmith to repair that door though, so he picked it up with a sigh. The person on the other end of the line promised they'd send a worker right over, he should arrive in about an hour. He moved the couch back to its place in front of the TV and crawled into a comfy shirt and a pair of jeans. He then proceeded to turn on the TV and snuggle up in the blanket till the locksmith rang the doorbell. The frame of the door was also damaged, so more help was called, but the door was like new in less than 3 hours.

Izaya checked the time. It was half past 4. _'I guess I can pop in for an hour or so,'_ he decided and went, pausing to inspect the repairs. He was tense on the way, afraid that Shizuo might be in Shinjuku for whatever reason. But the 5-minute walk was without any disturbances, so he mercifully ignored Namie, who's biting remarks started the moment he opened the door. His mood improved greatly when he got news on a few people he was interested in, so he forced his employee to stay until 7pm since she could do as she pleased the whole day. When that time came, he was strangely nice about leaving at the same time and made her walk with him, saying she'll get a bonus at the end of the month and laughing at her irritation. He wouldn't let it show, but this was a way to prevent meeting a certain blonde. Not that Namie repelled the brute in any way. He was just hoping Shizuo wouldn't try anything funny if he wasn't alone.

He got home and locked the door even though he knew it stood no chance against the Monster of Ikebukuro. He laughed at this inwardly, but this evening he didn't lounge on the couch in his bathrobe, no way in hell. He glanced at his cellphone. He didn't take it to work – he didn't feel like receiving calls. But now, he turned on the sound and looked through the new messages. There were also 3 voicemails, nothing uncommon. Except the last one. "Uhhh hey, Izaya? Sorry again." The recipient was surprised to hear that voice and he blushed when memories flooded his mind. Frowning, he wanted to click 'skip', but the "End of messages…" voice beat him to it. _'At least there wasn't any more from that asshole,'_ he thought woefully. _'How come he has my number? Well, everybody has my number and it's fairly easy to acquire…'_ He lay down on his bed, phone in hand and sighed, closing his eyes. He was still frowning. He went and locked his bedroom door too – two locks would deter the ex-bartender longer than one. He didn't expect that person to break into his bedroom, but if he got into his apartment, there would still be a locked door separating them. He didn't want to see Shizuo. _'Do I want to see him?' _he contemplated. _'In the end, I do,' _he admitted. He wanted the bodyguard to be here, to continue where he left off, he wanted… No. He shook his head vehemently and buried his face in the pillow. No. Denying every thought of the man that entered his mind, he drifted to sleep.

The morning changed this denial into curiosity. _'How would Shizu-chan act if we met now? What would he do if I talked to him like he's my boyfriend and I'm a stupid high school girl again? This time, it would be different. I want to try~'_ Today was a fine day to venture into the ex-bartender's territory. Last night, he achieved a compromise in his conflicting emotions: he admitted that Shizuo turned him on that evening, but to keep his feelings in check, credited it to natural talent, a deadly combination of great motor skills and seduction, that is. Anybody could have done that if they were great with their hands. It wasn't better than any other feeling, he didn't crave it. And he most certainly didn't think Shizuo was special.

Shizuo was coping with 'the case of the roaming hands' his own way: by ignoring it. He couldn't forget. And even if he did, his hands would remember, his lips would remember. Every detail was burned into his mind. He thought about it countless times. What would have happened if Izaya hadn't resisted and rejected his advance? Blood rushed south. The younger man probably wouldn't have succeeded in making his point a single minute later. He didn't want to venture into moral bullshit about rape and such, so he never thought further. The conclusion was: Izaya was sexier with less clothing on. What about a naked Izaya? On his bed, making sweet sounds… This was dangerous territory. It made him uneasy to think about their next meeting, but it was bound to happen.

They met by chance three days later. The sun had just set and the street lamps were awakening. There was something different about Izaya. He couldn't tell what exactly it was, but it was definitely a good change. The brunette himself knew and felt guilty about it. He was in 100% seduction mode – from half-lidded eyes to stomach butterflies. He wasn't sure why he was nervous, but his knees were weak and he was cursing his face for blushing. If he reached out his hand, he could touch that black vest… "Hi Shizu-chan," he greeted quietly.

Shizuo remembered being conscious of their proximity, licking his lips, and somehow, without much verbal communication (if any), he was closer to that promising body and… their lips were joined?! He broke away. "Woah" was all he managed. Izaya laughed and turned his face away, all of a sudden he felt shy. _'Tche, that egoist probably took it as a compliment._' But this was no time to think, not with a hand pressed to his crotch. They both realized that at the same time and Izaya slid the hand away to hug Shizuo tightly and admire his face up close. "My place?" he leaned in and whispered in his ear. There was no question about it since it seemed closer and they walked there slowly, tangled into one another and ignoring the world around them. Izaya finally managed to unlock the door, all the while being pressed into it and being driven insane by Shizuo's attentions to his lips and neck. Next thing he knew, his back was on his bed and his pants were pulled off none too gently. Once was not enough for Shizuo, Izaya laughed it off. But after the second round they called it quits and Shizuo let his body fall on the crumpled sheets, completely sated and mumbling something about the informant having an irresistible rear. Izaya was mentally frowning – he was sore in more than one way since Shizuo liked it rough. An unexpected feeling of unease settled upon him._ 'I should go out now, it's not right to be here. It's my own bed, but… He can sleep here. I should go.'_ He was doing his best to detach himself from what had occurred and from his gentle feelings towards the blonde. It looked like Shizuo was falling asleep, so he dangled his legs off the edge of the bed and was getting up quietly when a strong arm hooked around his torso. He found himself squished between Shizuo's arm and chest. "Mine," the blonde simply said. Izaya laughed nervously and wiggled a bit to see if he could snake his way out. Nope, the bartender's iron grip wasn't loosening and he didn't look as sleepy now.

The lithe informant craned his head to look at the face of his captor: his eyebrows were furrowed in concentration. He stopped glaring at the ceiling and closed his eyes, the same determined expression never leaving his features. Izaya sighed. "You're being very unreasonable, you know." He squirmed more to show what he meant but with no avail. Amused brown eyes were open and looking at him. He gave up and turned on his stomach. The last protest before giving up – "No fair, my butt hurts" – was grumbled into the Fortissimo's arm quietly. "What'd ya say, Izaya?" _'Oh he's just teasing me, that bastard!'_ A muffled "Nothing." _'Maybe he's not so bad. Maybe this is kind of a good thing… in some way.'_

**A/N1: I warned you about my lame jokes, right? :D No? Well now you know. Kekeke…**

**A/N2:  
Izaya- Shizuo WTF?! Shizuo, this isn't funny. SHIZUO STAHP! STAahhhhhhhhhhhhnn~  
Shizuo- (in his head) Score!**

**Guys, my mind was full of derp when writing the last few paragraphs, so I apologize. Completely blank. What is this? I don't even… Well in any case, please review, tell me what you think or whatever. :D But be nice, please be nice! ;n;**


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